My Doubts Push My Faith

Heavenly Father I know and praise You for being the creator of the universe, the world and all that is in it. I praise You for making man in Your image and giving each individual their own purpose, talents and dreams. I praise You, even though I don’t fully understand it, free will to let us choose. 

Holy Spirit I will be the first to admit I don’t understand many things in life. Like why my son died and I didn’t in the truck accident. Why I will always wonder was it an accident or did I push him to suicide. I don’t understand why the world has to have wars both between countries and in countries between cultures. I don’t understand why Christ had to die such a horrible death just to pay a price for a creation so unworthy of any grace. 

Holy Spirit I don’t understand why I get angry, hurt, defeated, abused, or sick yet I can also feel mercy, love, victory, pride, honor, hope. What I do understand is that no matter how confused I become, no matter how depressed I become, no matter how hurt I feel, no matter how misunderstood I am, I will not and cannot give up on You. If I gave up on You now, I would never see my children and other love ones again. I would never get to meet You in person and see more wonders than I can even begin to imagine. I would never feel what I was supposed to feel and be while being truly whole and truly perfect. 

Holy Spirit if I did not have the hope that lies within me I would be crushed by all that has already happened in my life. I would not be able to function each day even though Philip died in my office the night before my birthday and with my rifle. I would not be able to move forward after all the babies we loss so close to the end of pregnancy. I would not be able to keep my what little joy I had for not getting a normal teaching job but one that requires I enter the prison each day to work with societies worse. I would not be able to demonstrate compassion and true interest in seeing these people succeed after they violated societies laws. Often hurting or destroying lives on their way to this place. I would be so bitter about the person who broke into our house and stole our wedding rings and Doreen’s Jewelry box that was from Japan. I would not have survived cancer twice, a knee operation, a truck accident that could of killed me when the young man ran a stop sign. The nightmares of seeing Philip dead, the truck coming out of nowhere. My hope, my faith is all that makes me take the next step, breath and enjoy what little time I have with my wife, children, grandchildren and even extended family. My hope and my faith is what helps me go to church and just obsorb Your love. 

But, beloved, remember the words that were previously spoken by the apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ. They said to you, “In the last days there will be scoffers who will walk after their own ungodly desires.” These are the men who cause divisions, sensual, devoid of the Spirit. But you, beloved, build yourselves up in your most holy faith. Pray in the Holy Spirit. Keep yourselves in the love of God while you are waiting for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ, which leads to eternal life. On some have compassion, using discernment. And others save with fear while pulling them out of the fire, hating even the garment stained by the flesh. Now to Him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you blameless before the presence of His glory with rejoicing, to the only wise God our Savior, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and forever. Amen. Jude 17-24 (MEV)